he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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