why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
