I'm so fucking centered right now
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
