my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
