I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
