I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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