Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize