This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
