But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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