If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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