i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
