If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
