i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
