saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
