Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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