When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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