Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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