my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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