its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We need to get me chipped asap
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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