im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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