that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize