I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
