Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
