your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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