Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i out mim tonsoeep
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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