Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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