It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just googled if crying burns calories
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
