I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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