The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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