I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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