$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
