so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
