Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
