I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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