The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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