My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
