cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
