I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
sarcasm needs its own font
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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