I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My bed smells like the plague
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize