Will you blow on my dice?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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