She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
That accounts for only three of the penises
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
