I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
