Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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