That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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