I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
