Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
