Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
