Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
