I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
