It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
