Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
