I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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