His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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