singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
