i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
