Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
