I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
