Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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