I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
