Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
