Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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