I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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